Now That It's Over
August 14, 2001

So Tuesday morning my fan broke. That's a pain because I have no AC and my apartment turns into an absolute sauna during the day. I have windows open, but there's really no air circulation in my neighborhood, so it always ends up about 15 degrees hotter in my apartment than it is outside. I muttered all morning about having to go out to buy a new fan that evening.

And then later that afternoon I quit my job. Without notice.

I've worked for this company for a year and a half. And I just couldn't deal with my boss's behavior any longer. He was erratic, condescending, unprofessional, inconsiderate, and I've come to decide, somewhat mentally ill. Rather than doing the work he needed to do (work that was necessary to keep the company financially solvent), he would constantly meddle with my work and the writers' work and drive me crazy.

I'm a little worried that my abrupt departure will haunt me professionally, but I've heard that my boss is reviled in the industry for the same reasons that I can no longer work with him. One of my current job leads is with somebody who knows him, and hopefully he'll be understanding of my situation.

I've tried to handle this as professionally as possible. When I've had problems with my boss, I've tried to diplomatically explain to him that his desires aren't always as clear as he thinks they are. He gets horribly offended when things don't turn out his way, as if people are deliberately trying to rebel against him, when frequently they thought they were doing what they wanted. He doesn't get it.

At first I thought he was just an asshole. I didn't have a problem with that initially, because I've discovered that most assholes don't mind if you're an asshole right back. But then, over time, I've come to recognize that my boss has what is most likely a personality disorder. I'm guessing he's manic-depressive, though I only end up dealing with him in his manic phases. There are times when he avoids the office and his work entirely -- during those times I figure him to be in a depressive state.

I had always thought "manic phases" were a lot like having ADD -- inability to focus, too much energy, immature behavior. That's true, but there's also a part of mania apparently where the individual believes that other people don't understand his genius or whatever, and refuse to recognize that there's something wrong with his behavior. They can act condescending and superior and don't understand why people think they're not making sense.

That was my boss, to a T. And, well, I felt a little bad for him. Once I figured out what his deal was, whenever he engaged in unprofessional behavior I would excuse it in my head by saying, "It's a disorder. He can't help himself. This isn't who he really is."

Gee, now I guess I know what it must be like to be an abusive relationship. I even had people telling me that I had to quit, much like friends try to encourage that woman with the black eye to leave her husband and go to a shelter. But I'd be all, "He's just really stressed out right now. Things will get better. He just doesn't like it when I don't agree with everything he says."

It got to the point where his behavior was affecting my own mental stability. I would imagine arguments with him in my head, trying to figure out if there was any way I could reason with him. I pictured him attempting to sabotage my vacation to keep me in town. (he actually did this once by wanting to move the office the same week I had planned my vacation. So I rescheduled my vacation -- and then he canceled the move.) Last weekend I had a nightmare that, unable to find a way to keep me from going to Toronto, my boss committed suicide, because he knew that I'd be the only one around to deal with the writers and shut down the company or whatever. That's a fucked up dream.

Tuesday morning, I was having an argument with him in my head as I was walking to work. I had been trying to figure out a diplomatic way to explain to him that his attitude towards a writer -- which he had been gung-ho to hire but was now trying to pressure me to agree to replace -- was unprofessional and based on a personal neurosis that is affecting his ability to make good business decisions. While I was having this discussion with him in my head, I stopped in horror to note that I was talking to myself out loud, with hand gestures. I looked like one of the several mentally ill homeless people who wander through the neighborhood.

So now I know what they mean when they talk about "toxic personalities." The stress caused by dealing with my boss's unacceptable behavior was affecting my own sanity. I pretty much knew it was over. A ridiculous fight about nothing later that day secured it. It may be that my boss really can't control his behavior, but neither is he willing to recognize a problem with it, and my attempts to politely describe this problem to him have fallen on deaf ears. By continuing to work in this situation, I was permitting him to believe that it was acceptable for him to treat me the way he did.

So I ended it with an e-mail. I was polite and professional, saying only that I'm resigning, effective immediately and wished him luck in the future. He's been polite in return (though he's reneging on a promise he made to me because I quit rather than hang on to the bitter end). We'll be cutting our ties entirely today and making arrangements for him to pay me the money I'm owed. And then I go on vacation for real, not having to sign off every couple hours to make sure there aren't any business emergencies.

But now I have to find a job. Sigh.