Sitting Still
February 7, 2004

--Still in Orlando. I’ve been taking care of Mom for these last two weeks after a minor operation on her feet. She had some bone spurs removed and can’t walk without pain. Neither one of us thought recovery would take quite this long. She was supposed to return to work on Wednesday and now it questions if she wants to even go back on Monday.

As for myself, I couldn’t attend Tony’s memorial service last Sunday because Mom was feeling so bad. I’ve missed two piano lessons so far, and really need to buy some shoes for Jennifer’s wedding which is in only a couple weeks! Even more, I need to try on my dress now that it has arrived and have it altered.

There is something to write about -- I was having trouble picking a topic. Jennifer’s wedding. I’m the Maid of Honor. I’m possibly the most pathetic Maid of Honor in history, because I’ve done almost nothing save for go with her to various vendors and help her try on dresses. Not that I should be too hard on myself: she really hasn’t wanted me to do much.

I thought that my big contribution could be a really great bachelorette party, but they have decided to do a dual-party; and they decided to let some guy plan it. At first, I was only mildly disappointed. Then I found out that this guy is an old work buddy of Jennifer’s and not her fiancé. Apparently, I’m not enough of a crazy party type. Or maybe I’m not fun enough.

Everything is complicated by the fact that she lives three thousand miles away. But I’m left with this feeling that she wouldn’t be comfortable trusting me with too much. I could be wrong, but that’s the reason I really haven’t complained too much. She gave me this guy’s number in case I wanted to help plan something, but I never called.

Of course, besides me, there is only one other bride’s maid. Maybe you really can’t have a big party with those kinds of numbers.

Here comes my evil confession. (Gawd, I hope nobody I know has found this site.) This is all part of a greater trend of friends getting married and disappearing off the face of the earth. Whenever someone tells me that they’re getting married, it is all I can do not to sneer at them. As for friends, what married usually means is that my friend will get into big trouble for spending too much time with me. If it’s a guy-friend, then clearly we must be having an affair. If it’s a girl-friend, we’re having hot-lesbo experimentation because everyone knows that I’m gay (bi-capable). Or maybe that last is just possessiveness; I don’t know.

The same thing happens when someone tells me they’re pregnant too. I can’t get pregnant, so I have a bit of jealously to work out. I’m also horrified that there are so many children who need parents and can’t get them. I know it’s wonderful and all that, but I know families with five children. One friend told me his wife was pregnant again (I think this was the 4th time), and it was really hard to even pretend to be excited. But that’s the glory of instant messenger: :-) is so easy to type…

That’s it. I have to work through these two things, and clearly haven’t yet. As for the wedding, I’m excited, and I really love the guy she’s marrying. But I’m going to become a bitter old spinster, and I’m not sure if that is okay yet.

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