Intimidating?
3-15-2002

It's true apparently. I called Beth last night. She listened to my worries, and then told me. "Well, you are intimidating." "What?" I think that's how I replied. Or I might have screamed. She laughed. "You are. I don't know exactly what it is, but you are."

Hmph! What do you say to something like that? On the one hand, it's a bit flattering. Intimidating? That's kinda cool. But then again, it's pretty weird. Why am I intimidating? It's the octopus on my head isn't it? I knew that was going to be a bad idea. I never should have gotten an octopus.

Would intimidating would imply an interesting life, though? I do seem to have that. It's because I cut off that Chinese medicine woman in traffic. And I thought curses weren't real! Oh! Maybe it's not that at all. Maybe it's Holy Fire? Maybe I have Holy Fire!

Whoot! Well, I'd like to think so, though lately it takes more and more energy to do anything new. I could travel anywhere in the US with work, and I don't. Why not? I need to nurture it. When it's burning though, you can feel it fluttering around in the soul. Sometimes it feels like anger. Intense. Full of energy. Discontentment mixed in there somewhere... And lots excitement.

Everyone says I'm competitive -- and I bought into the idea. But it's really not true. Holy Fire isn't so crass. Sometimes I'll meet a fantastic person who inspires me, and I go crazy learning, catching up to them and racing. Chess is a great example, especially when I was learning from Tim. I do hate to lose; and unless I'm playing just for human interaction, I play hard. But it's because I'm excited about learning or growing. I never won a single game of chess against Tim and we were still the best of friends and played almost everyday.

I'm reasonably good at a few miscellaneous topics: pool, chess, piano, computers, video games (yea me...) and maybe even writing. I've done a lot: Renaissance Festivals, truck driving, genetics research in college, the gender-thing (though most don't know about that hopefully), techie career. I read a lot (though I've had little time recently). Maybe these things intimidate people. But really -- those are all just kooky, eclectic things and pale in comparison to real achievements, to my heros

It could be the height? I'm 5'11".

The thing is, I don't want to be intimidating. It's hard to meet people if you're perceived as intimidating. Different. And it's not like I really deserve it. Maybe if I had a PhD and was changing the face of my field of study. Or making great contributions to the world of art. Or a an inspiring political activist. Or mother Teresa. I mean, was she intimidating?

And you know, it might not even be true. Maybe it's just Beth. I'm going to ask more people. If they say yes, this octopus is going straight to the dumpster.