A little ball of bliss.
October 6, 2002

First of all, I have to say that you are wonderful. Several people emailed me after my last update to mention they were glad to see me writing again. You guys are awesome and I love you all.

The biggest news, to be dutifully recorded here, is that I "told" Madison last week. I was really thinking about not telling her until she got back from Europe. It's nice to live just live a normal life sometimes -- with as few Sushi-specific complications as possible. But our correspondence has been detailed and personal, so I suppose I knew it would come out earlier.

She didn't ask, mind you. She was writing about society's expectations for women and her struggle with it, and she wanted to know how I had dealt with the same issue.

If I were smarter, I would just draft a generic letter that said everything, in the best possible way. Then, for those rare occasions, I could just give it to people. That would be so much easier. But that's unrealistic, I suppose. It's important for such a personal letter or conversation to be delivered in a personal way -- I think. But it also meant spending almost an entire day writing, and editing and thinking. (Not necessarily in that order.)

She wrote back the very next day. Thank God! The pressure of waiting for an answer -- acceptance, rejection or confusion -- it's just too much to bear. I got almost no work done, waiting for her to write back. Probably I should have just taken the day of sick.

I don't think it is appropriate to post other people's letters in my journal, but I'm going to make an exception for just one paragraph:

"i dont really know how to respond to your email except to say that it doesnt matter at all to me, in the sense that it would affect the way i thought or felt about you. and my perceptions of you havent changed at all. i still think youre an incredibly intelligent, beautiful, special woman. so thats all that matters to me."

There really isn't a good way to describe my response to that, analytically or emotionally. Unless it was poetic, it would probably miss the mark. Suffice it to say, that after I finished the whole letter, twice, I curled up on the couch, into a happy little ball and floated away into my bliss.

Oops! I guess emotional won out.

Speaking of letters, I've been thinking about posting my letters into the journal site. Only mine, of course. I'm not sure if people would be interested in those. And I'm not sure how those to whom I wrote the letters would feel. Does that cheapen them? I have a 1925 printing of John Keats collected letters -- which I adore. But as for my own letters, I'm not exactly John Keats and those with whom I'm corresponding are all still alive and well.

Are letters gifts that you give? Intamacies that you share? That should remain absolutely private? Or am I just way to full of myself. I'll have to think on it some more. Or, I'll ask Shack! He'll know...

And of the house shopping? I spent the entire day with the realtor on Saturday. Ug! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person who finds this whole experience gut wrenching, though. My hair stylist is also shopping, as it turns out, and he called it "the most horrible and depressing experience" he's ever had.

Myself, I wouldn't go quite that far. But I can see his point. Almost invariably, everything I saw seemed to be about 30k above what I estimated -- after having seen the house and neighborhood. There were a couple houses I may well have considered, had they been, say, 130k. Those were 160k. It turns out I can afford that, but they weren't worth it!

I did actually find three houses that I'm tossing about in my head as possibilities. But they are also expensive, with the worst being 180k. They're all in the historic district -- which I've decided is important to me -- but the expensive one needs an entirely new kitchen. I can pull off the 180k, but not if I need to pay another 10k for remodeling the kitchen. I'm going to ask if he'll come down that much, but he's in negotiations with someone else, so I suspect I'll not be very successful that with house.

There was another for only 150k. That house had an amazing raised ceiling with exposed beams, huge rooms and some decorative trim around the walls for which I don't have the proper name. There is also a two bedroom in-law suite in the back that I could rent out. There's a catch though. It's right off the interstate. That is, you could open the front door, pick up a rock and probably hit the highway. You can't hear it from inside, but...

Even thinking about that house is probably a terrible idea. But, I'm asking myself if that might be the point of compromise that gets me the size and style house I want with a price that I can afford. Because as things stand, without compromising on something, I have the proverbial champagne appetite and bottled water budge. (Actually, I think it is "beer budget" but even that has gotten a lot more expensive lately! --At least, for the good stuff.)

Supposedly there may be a way to take part of my mortgage, have it held in escrow, and pay a contractor from that. I'm going to ask the mortgage broker about that -- how I negotiate it with a seller and how I handle it with the bank. Like, what if I want to do some of the work myself?

Work, work, work. I should get some of it done now, perhaps. As for the journal, I'm going to try to also start keeping up with the Daily Log again. I'm not sure if those should be teased on Damn Hell Ass Kings, if I do. I'm not even sure if I completely understand the blurry line between a journal entry and a daily log, except that the log is an excuse not to write as much. Well that and I have a penchant for unneeded complexity...

(I've decided to post my coming out letter to Madison. I'm still not sure if I'll post other letters I've saved over the years on a new section of the site...)