Pain
October 13, 2004

Yesterday, I attached some heavy wires to a car battery and set about randomly shocking my teeth every minute or so. While I did this, driving down the highway at 70mph, I passed a Halloween billboard showing some poor sap transfixed with abject terror. And as I looked at him, clutching at my face in pain, I realized that he and I were wearing the same expression. My experiment was a success!

Now, of course, I wasn't really shocking myself. What really happened is that I had my teeth whitened yesterday. Since I have to have my crown re-done, I figured this was a good time to get my teeth whitened. Using whitening trays didn't seem a good option, because that takes three to four weeks, and I have to wait another four weeks after the bleaching is done before I can have a shade-check for the permanent crown.

The only problem with "power bleaching" is the risk of "increased sensitivity" for up to twenty-four hours. Increased sensitivity? I can deal with that. No problem-o. Searing, heart-stopping, torturous pain? Well, I might need to think about that -- except, nobody warned me.

Maybe I just wasn't thinking clearly. During this procedure, they paint a protective rubber film around your gums to prevent the bleach from touching them and causing horrible burns. Your lips are covered in thick petroleum. Your mouth is kept open, and your tongue kept back by some sort of contraption which I'm sure you could buy in an S&M shop. Laser light is used to improve the action of the bleach (peroxide) on the teeth, and, "What movie would you like to watch?"

What movie would I like to watch? For the record, I watched the Dead Poets Society, but what was I thinking? If I were a smarter person, I would have excused myself and run far, far away. If I were smarter, I would have stopped after thirty minutes, which is when the nurse applied the second treatment and when my teeth started to hurt very bad. If I were smarter, I wouldn't have clenched my fist for another 20 minutes until I had to stop.

I thought the pain was only while the bleach was actually on the teeth. Wrong-o.

I'm not sure how I got home without wrecking. Things got worse. It turns out that blinding pain means just that. And when a particularly bad stab of pain shot through me, my body convulsed. Even air passing over my teeth was torturous, and it turns out that you can't breathe (even with your mouth closed) without that happening.

When I got home, I called the Dentist office in tears and was told this happened to only a couple other patients in the past. The nurse was going to have the doctor prescribe something, but I have some Percocet left over from my surgery in Portland years ago; and after she confirmed they would help the dental pain, I started taking them -- two pills every three hours or so.

This morning, I took my last one, and I'm pleased to report I'm feeling much better. I'd horrible visions of "What if this pain doesn't go away," and "Oh my god, I'm going to have to get my teeth pulled to get rid of this pain," and, "I want to die, this just can't go on." I'm glad that's over and done with.

Really, it's a blessing that I'm feeling better so soon (and thank god for Percocet). If I had this to do over again, I wouldn't. So far, it looks like the bleaching is uneven and there are places where the protective film went past the gum and onto the teeth such that it didn't get bleached. Last but not least, my teeth really aren't that much whiter than they were before. I'm going to ask Matthew for a second opinion tonight, but I’m thinking I could have done without this $500 procedure.

All I wanted was Hollywood teeth. Is that too much to ask? I know they say beauty hurts, but hell. Hurts? Beauty is a knife in the back.