The Urge to Give Up
October 18, 2004

Isn't it funny how the urge to do everything can cause us to do nothing? Maybe that's not something everyone can relate to, but I know the Attention Deficit Enabled people can. Every time I have an idea, the very notion of acting on it spawns a half-dozen new ideas. Then, all the new ideas pile onto the things I haven't finished, and, well, it’s the perfect recipe for a sudden bout of depression and a trip to bed.

Something interesting has happened to me since I scheduled the psychiatrist appointment. I don't want to try any more; I don't want any more false starts; and, I don't want any more failures -- not until I have some medication to help. Friday afternoon, I sat down to practice the piano and couldn't sit still for five minutes. Instead of forcing myself to stay there and play, I spent the rest of my lunch watching an episode of Star Gate.

I'm woefully behind on e-mail (again), on work (again), on everything (again), which is depressing (of course) -- and why pick oneself up just to fall again if help is on the way? Sure, the help is almost a month out. And sure, it will probably take a month for any medication to kick in, which puts us nearly into the next year. And no, I can't put my life on hold until 2005. (How, how is it 2005 already?) But, trying again isn't going to help.

Alter-ego: Excuse me. Trying isn't going to help? Are you serious? You're just force-writing to get another journal entry done. Maybe you should be paying attention to your emotions and not trying to carry on four IM conversations while you write this. Trying has always helped. Trying has gotten you where you are today. You're not an invalid you know.

Um, yeah. Hey, do I have to tell my psychiatrist that I let an alter-ego make an appearance in my journal?

Alter-ego: I don't think you want that kind of medicine.

Point. Anyway, that brings up something else weighing on my mind. What if he thinks I have bipolar disorder instead of ADD and depression brought on by ADD? What if he says I'm schizophrenic, or obsessive-compulsive? I do have a thing about germs. (Shoes just really don't belong on your bed sheets, for example. "Gross.") This is more in line with Shack's phobia about going crazy, but I've seen the movies! Psychiatrist can be creepy. I mean, hell, I read they are bringing back shock therapy!

You know, I'd love to take time off work for that. "I have to leave early. It's shock therapy day. I'll have my pager and cell phone if you need me."

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