Medicated
October 23, 2004

I'm in the process of ramping up to 150mg of Effexor XR; today was my first pill at 75mg. Finally! But I'm afraid I can't stay on this. One of the possible side-effects is an increase in blood pressure. My systolic is usually 110; today, I hit 131. So far, I'm staying in the range of pre-hypertension, but do I really want to remain on this? If I go into the zone of real hypertension, I'm definitely going off, but maybe I should anyway.

Friday, I called the doctor and left a message about the increase. I'm not in any immediate danger, so I'm going to give it a chance. Yet, the whole thing is a little discouraging. During my visit, he indicated that we may have to try several things before we find something that right for me. Of course, I really just wanted to take one thing and be done with it. This also means my psyche is going to be in experiment-mode for Nanowrimo in November.

At the moment, the only noticeable effects I've experienced, besides the blood pressure, are vivid dreams and an increase in energy when I wake up in the morning; I haven't been feeling as though I'd rather die than get out of bed. My depression seems to be in check, despite having to stop the St. John's Wort, but my distractibility, etc. is still the same. The doctor indicated it would take 2-3 weeks before I began to see a change.

I have to say, though, these medicines are pretty damn scary. We decided on Effexor because the depression-fighting component acts on Serotonin, which is similar to St. John's Wort -- something that helped me quite a bit. One alternative is Wellbutrin. A big plus with that drug is that some people have said it actually improved their sexual function. With mine practically zeroed out, that might be a nice alternative. Possible side effects of Wellbutrin include seizure.

As for the psychiatrist appointment itself, it wasn't half bad if you discount the 40 minute wait beyond my appointment time. He was a nice guy, and fairly insightful, I have to say. I was a little nervous going into the appointment on account of a bad thunderstorm that got progressively worse as I approached the office. Talk about your bad omens.

I think I caught him off guard when he asked me about my father. I indicated that he passed away just over a year ago and that I was still a little shaken by that experience. He asked me something stupid and direct like, "Why," and as I started to tell him, I burst into tears for at least five minutes. He eventually had to go outside to get some tissues for me.

I really need to sit down and finally write some entries about that.

****

My weekend has been accosted. Jennifer called saying that everyone who was supposed to help paint her new place canceled. The poor thing! She needs to paint the entire house over the weekend before the movers arrive Monday. Of course, I told her I'd help the entire weekend, save for this Saturday afternoon. (I'm supposed to be canvassing for Kerry but I didn't realize that the time overlapped with a writer's party I'm attending.)

I’m happy to do it, of course. And it's fun to help paint sometimes. Yet, I'm still overwhelmed by this feeling of need to get my life in order and on track once and for all. At the rate I'm going, it will never happen, so maybe I should give in. I won't though, and this is another weekend gone.

My councilor asked me an interesting question last week. "How many friends do you have who you help like this?" My first response was that it was just a couple. After I thought about it though, it's much more. Even Madison: since we've broken up and later began talking once again, I've become her shoulder to cry on for current relationship troubles. Matthew even remarked on my relationship with Madisson. But, she's not "out "to her parents and doesn't have many people to talk with.

Of course, the point the councilor was making is that those relationship, while good sometimes, can also be draining. Jennifer, for her part, keeps apologizing that she is always calling me with this trouble or that trouble. But she's gone through so much; how could you not be sympathetic and helpful? And isn't it normal for friends to lean on each other, to share the good and the bad?

***

Last week I started going to a Japanese language study group. Everyone was quite nice. It feels good to get out and meet some new people, and it's nice to finally start studying Japanese again! I will know more than one language before I die!

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