More than you ever wanted to know...
To Madison
October 3, 2002

I will forever think of you when I hear Bach's first Cello Suite. When I got your last email, there was some great downtempo coming through on Internet radio. But it didn't last through your letter, and the other stations were playing crap. So - back with Bach's Cello Suite. I think this is the actually third time I've listened to it while reading one of your letters. So, there you go! :)

Your question about how I've come to grips with myself as a person is definitely personal -- and long story. Actually, I never even talk about it with people unless we're dating or becoming really close friends... You and I haven't known each other very long (thought it seems like we have); but I'm hoping our relationship keeps growing in at least one of those ways. And since you asked…

I used to be a tra<!pX$4sf5GZ6q^L*K>nss<!pX$4sf5GZ6q^L*K>exual. (I've never found a comfortable way of saying that. I think it surprises me more than it surprises whoever I'm telling -- because I'm done with it, and I don't like dealing with it anymore.)

Most people say that they "are" transsexuals, but I don't buy into the idea that people "are" a medical problem. You're born the wrong way, you fix it, you're done. Which isn't to say that transgenderism is bad; some people like living somewhat in-between, I guess, and that's okay.

So through it all, I've dealt a lot with society's expectations for women. For example, I did my therapy (which you have to do for a couple years before you can have surgery) during college -- while at the same time being a self-styled women's activist. So while I was trying to prove to my therapist that my brain is wired differently than my body, I was also not shaving my legs or wearing dresses, etc. Not that I've ever really worn dresses mind you -- only to jazz bars, for some reason. Or, very formal events.

And how do you reconcile yourself against the cruel eye of society, when you are dealing with transsexualism? Society has very specific expectations for men and women. It's hard enough to go against the grain and effect change when you are dealing with gender issues. But it's wicked hard to convince people that you are a gender other than your physical sex, while at the same time going against their expectations for that gender role.

I suppose I dealt with it in the way all difficult problems are solved -- with compromise. My surgery is a good example. I finally had sexual reassignment surgery and decided to get boobies done at the same time. That was a hard decision, because I don't think women should do that, unless it's reconstruction and they really want to. And that's what I ultimately felt applied to me -- that it counted as reconstructive surgery and not plastic surgery. So I did it. (And it's not like I got huge boobs either. I was an 'A' before and now I'm a 'B.' Well, depending on the strap size, I guess.)

There aren't a lot of things I can do to improve my physical appearance. And the things that can be done almost all involve facial surgery. (None of which I've had, by the way.) As for the body, there is very little, and so I thought boobies would help balance things out. And I'm glad now that I did. But it was a tough decision. I gave the final okay at the last possible moment.

Society seems to turn everything into some inner conflict. I hate my body. Is that because all women hate their bodies after years of seeing air brushed magazine models? Is it because I'll never be completely normal? If I want to fix my acne scaring am I helping people objectify me and other women, or fixing an old problem? Am I giving into false notions of beauty, or addressing humanity's instinctual response to perceived health.
(ref: http://tlc.discovery.com/convergence/humanface/humanface.html )

Talking to people about all this used to make me cry. But I'm kind of over apologizing for the whole TS thing. Or maybe the reason I'm not quite so upset is that I have this gut feeling that you're going to care all that much. Still, I think it's going to suck again waiting to see how you react. I feel like I'm putting myself on trial every time I come out.

Will you keep this between us, by the way? Please? It tends to spread like wildfire once the rumor starts. That happened at another coffee shop about five years ago and really made life suck. Of course, maybe it's already out. That's the funny thing about being "stealth." Anyone could know or suspect. And if people do know (like at that other shop), nobody will bring it up because they know you obviously don't want to talk about it. Which is true, but awkward.

I've never been much of a TS activist, I suppose. That's the funny thing about all this -- it's a physical disability, and most people with it just want to live normal lives. There are some daring souls that are standing up and being heard, of course. And there are some other people (maybe a lot) who are just plain weird and act like aliens on talk shows. But most people just want to be normal and that doesn't lend itself, easily, to activism.

One day I may end up being an activist anyway -- like if I ever get fired at a job for it, or otherwise discriminated against. And I have a theory that if I do get outed one day, it will say and mean more that I just led a "normal" life. But the real suck-thing is that when (most) people know or find out, they look at you differently. They think of you differently. And that's the worst thing of all -- to spend your entire life trying to be true to yourself and having others think you're living a lie.

So I'm actually not sure if I answered your question. But I guess I would just say that it is all hard. I mean, society is either perfect and living in it is bliss; or society has some problems and working against the grain is always hard. Life takes a whole lot of energy and we have to pick and choose are battles. In the end, I suppose we're all rather luckily. There are a lot of opportunities for growth and change that weren't available before.

Like I wrote to you the other day, I've reduced my entire life to a math basic math problem: lots of discontent + lots of ambition + lack of discipline = me. My discontent has probably been the fire that fueled by growth. My ambition may just be an offshoot of that and given me goals. And as for the lack of discipline, I'm working on that. But with all of this, I think I've grown as a person -- from dejected all the way to respectable, maybe.

But if there is any missing ingredient that still needs worked into the equation, it would be conflict -- challenges to make us grow. For me there were all the problems I had when I first came out with the gender issue, miscellaneous health problems like a collapsed lung (all better now, thanks!), and needing reconstruction on my ears when I was young because I couldn't hear.

"We are all a product of our tears. Too few and our ground isn't fertile enough. Too many and the best of us is washed away." Okay, so that's a quote from Babylon 5 -- but it's so true.

Back to your question again. "…are you satisfied with yourself, are you happy?" In a lot of ways I am. I have a good career. And with computers now, I can say that I'm really good at something. My debts are almost gone. I fixed the gender stuff. I generally like who I am as a person. But my discontent has been brewing like mad lately; I'm ready for the next big thing.

…I started learning piano again, of course. I'd like to keep working on that as a long term goal, because I love music and I love the piano. But, I'd like to also do something much more meaningful with my writing. It might be time to try writing a book again. I've developed a sudden and consuming interest in (good) poetry. I'm upset with myself for never doing anything serious with politics and I may become active with that -- maybe campaign finance reform or the environment.

Discontent. Still looking for the next big thing.

There are still a lot of things I need to change: my lack of discipline, my diet, exercise, not keeping in touch with friends like I should.

I need to apologize too. I have a policy to always tell people before becoming intimate. There wasn't a good opportunity at the pool, of course. And besides, I was really caught up in the moment, but I wanted to say sorry.

You'll probably have a lot of questions about the gender stuff. Please feel free to ask them. It's not my favorite subject, but there are tons and tons of stories and details. I'm not sure what you'll want to know. Actually, maybe I should try to predict some of them now. I've never done that before, but…

…actually, I'm going to just attach them to the bottom of this email. That was you can go through them if you want to.

And now I can't believe how late it is. I didn't mean to write so much about this. But then again, I wanted share some of my experiences of "becoming." I came out to my mom three times. Once for the gender stuff. Then as a lesbian (because she wants me to find a guy, not tell him, get married and adopt). And then again as a lesbian (the story I related to you), because she believes in the power of positive thinking.

Sushi

Dilating.
I have to dilate every few days to keep my vaginal width and depth. Basically, that just means inserting a very not-sexy, non-vibrating vibrator for a while. Usually I do it when I'm watching TV or reading. But, more often than that, I haven't been doing it at all -- hence the tightness you mentioned. At the moment, I'm much more normal -- I'm trying to be good. And since I use a silicon lubricant, that usually solves that problem, more or less, too.

I would do it more except that it's so inconvenient, not really comfortable and there really hasn't been much reason as of late. I shouldn't complain though. It turns out that there are lots of women who have vaginal stenosis for various reasons.

Sex and depth.
I'm not sure how normal my depth is. I haven't had sex with a guy, so I'm not really sure. I was actually hoping I would have done that by now. But, mostly I'm gay so I haven't been actively looking either. I've always said I could date the right guy -- but those are so few and far between. When I was in college, I had my last boyfriend. I fooled around with him a bit, but never told him about anything. (Yeah, I suppose that was bad.) :p I told him I was saving myself for marriage. So anyway, I obviously didn't go all the way with him.

Sex and orgasms.
It's been really, really hard for me to have orgasms. Actually I thought for about a year that I wasn't going to be able. Which would have been fine -- better than the alternative. But eventually through the use of my super-changed vibrator, I finally did. Well, that and a girlfriend who told me I would just have to work through the uncomfortableness (is that the right word?) of it. I want to say pain of it, but it's not painful. It's just intense, maybe.

There is good news though. I quit using my vibrator because I was so upset that I needed it. And since then, I've had two on my own. Well, just me, the erotica section at Borders Bookstore (just one book, actually) and a lot of work. OMG. This is too much information! Okay, I'm not deleting this, but I'm moving on.

History
Knew since before I would articulate it. Fought it for a while. Basically started in high school, was almost done in community college, then got "everything" done except for surgery before I went to OSU. Didn't date anyone, ever, until community college -- one person there. Things were more-or-less normal during OSU. I didn't tell anyone.

Actually my first boyfriend there almost raped me. I always wonder what would have happened. Maybe he would have killed me or something. Or done it anyway. The fucker wanted to be a cop and I think that's the only reason he didn't -- he knew I would press charges. He probably is now. Have I ever told you how much I don't like cops?

Cops
Don't like them.

Friends and Family
Very few people know. (I think.) My three "best-friends" know. The only guy I still talk to from "that other coffee shop," knows. (The only guy not to freak out on me, by the way.) And one other local friend here. Most of my family knows now. The rest, by Mom's request, think I'm just really, really bad about keeping in touch. Everyone in the family who knows accepts now.

Legal Records
Have been changed for a very long time. (Sneaky me…)