April 17, 2002
Wednesday

Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to gender specific language. Or maybe my trainer thinks I'm a lesbian. I don't recall saying anything to imply that. It seems, however, that when a straight guy thinks you might be gay he starts fishing hard for pronouns. "I bet you could meet guys here." "I bet you could meet guys there." "Have you tried meeting guys at such 'n such place?" "What do you look for in a guy?" "When is the last time you had a boyfriend?"

It's fun not to give them any. "Well, I like someone with these characteristics." "I don't like meeting people at bars." "Yes, there are a lot of interesting people at coffee shops, aren't there?"

Several of the women who train at the gym are gay. It might be in my interest to overtly come out. But I've told myself I wasn't going to alienate any more men by telling them that I'm a lesbian. Life is such a bother sometimes. I could say, "I'm not really picky about gender anymore," but then that just seems to offend everybody. And besides, it just makes guys think they may have a chance at a kinky threesome.

Life is too complex.

Speaking of guys though, Austin (formerly known as "they new guy at the coffee shop") was at the Scream'n Bean tonight. Jen was there as well; she and I spent the evening battling over the chess board. It was one of those bloody nights -- whoever plays white, wins.

When I had first walked in, Austin was sitting by the door. He and I chatted for a few minutes. I mentioned that I hoped he would come say goodbye before he left. And, as Jen and I were finishing up, he did. We ended up talking for a good 30 minutes until the place closed.

God, he's tall. I'm 5'11" and he's taller than me, even when I'm wearing my "stylish yet affordable boots." Cute too, in a rugged sort of way. And of course the whole PhD thing really turns me on. If I'm attracted to anything at all, it's intellect.

Of course, I'm always stuck wondering, as always, how well someone might deal with my gender history. (Jess pointed out that the reason I bombed with Chaz may have been just that -- degrees of separation. He knows people that know/knew.)

Fuck that. There is no way I want to be with someone so shallow. No apologies. No regrets. I am so -- SO -- much better than that. Thinking about it actually makes me giggle now. I have no idea why.

I want to share my life with someone who is amazing.