May 6, 2002
Monday

Well I wasn't positive, but Shack confirmed it. I'm going crazy. It's probably for the best, because I think he is going job-crazy. So if we can just arrange to go to the same "place," everything should be okay.

In the movies, they always have a chess board and that's perfect. I can beat Shack easily at chess. And also in the movies you never see people sitting around the crazy house playing Scrabble. That is also perfect, because I've never beaten Shack at Scrabble. Likely, I never will. So if we don't have that particular game to play, it'll be just fine.

As I anticipated, it was no big deal with Austin. He sent me an email today saying he had just been tired. Hopefully we'll still catch that movie. Maybe I was worried because I was supposed to go out with Colin about a month ago and we missed each other over a miscommunication. Whatever. I really am going relationship-crazy though. Over the years, I've gone from "looking" to "desperate" to "happily solo" to "looking" and back again to… guess where?

The cycle seems to repeat itself. Shack told me to quit obsessing, but I'm going to anyway. It may do more harm than good, but I'm not really worried about it. Although… does that mean I'm actually not obsessing anymore?? This is all so confusing!

Alan Watts had some wonderful things to say about what he called the Quaking Mess."There is nothing anyone can do to be anyone else than who they are, or to feel any other way than the way they feel at this moment." I really love him! And I don't even have any of his books. Everything I've heard has been from recorded lectures aired on public radio. I really love public radio!

Reader: Here comes the manic.

Journal: Whoot!

Reader: Hold on while I get my popcorn…

Too late. Here comes the depressed. I've spend all day on a conference call with Chaz. The universe is just laughing at me.

Reader: <sigh> Fine, I'm putting away the popcorn.

Journal: Fooled you! I'm not really upset at all about it.

Reader: Um, okay. But, could you at least explain the difference between plain journal text and where it's labeled "Journal:?"

Journal: Hmm…

Hmmm…

Journal: Hmm…

Speaking of confusing, I enjoyed Angel tonight -- but only because I'm a mindless fan. Shack and I had fun "discussing" it. What is it about Holtz anyway? It was fun to theorize about him for awhile. He certainly is easy to hate. Probably everybody does, but not because of good characterization. Let's face it. He's a scapegoat for our angst. Our suspension of disbelieve just doesn't stretch that far and we need someone to take it out on.

What is it about Holtz?

"Hello, please disregard my creepy voice. I know I look like a drunk, but I'm not here to ask for your money. I need you to help me kill someone. No, don't run away. I've been catapulted through time by a demon on a mission of vengeance. He killed my family; and you have to help me kill him. (Don't inch away.) Listen to me very closely. He'll try to trick you by saving other people's lives. He may even save your life, but don't be fooled. Angelus is evil and he must be stopped. We may have to kill his innocent mortal friends who employ the same do-gooder tactics, as well. But you're either with me or your against me -- he must be stopped at any cost. Do you understand?"

And what is it about people who associate with Holtz? Really? I mean, really?

"I can't believe I have a goddamned screwdriver in my hand. This sucks! This is like when I was four, and I stuck my finger in a light socket. That sucked too! Shit! It was the same hand! Damn it! That Angel guy is going to pay…"

I'm a sucker. That's how writers get away with this shit. They know we'll watch it anyway. Hell, I even watch Earth Final Conflict. That show is so bad, they have a completely new cast this season and (if you ask me) antagonists who wrinkle their noses in a very gay way when they're pissed. Not that I mind the gay undertones, mind you. But I've a sneaking suspicion they're supposed to be menacing. Like donuts.