May 16, 2002
Thursday

It's confirmed. When I don't eat, I have much less energy. So tonight, I went to the health food store -- finally! It's been days of pulling things out of the pantry thinking to myself, "Maybe I should finally eat that."

So now, I'm at the Scream'n Bean catching up the log. Except, that I can't remember anything that happened this last week save for that Austin and I have gone out on two dates. The only way I'm going to be able to keep up with the log on busy or "bad" days is to revert back to my original idea of doing lists and highlights interspersed with detail.

It's hard to focus at the moment. I'm eavesdropping on a group of people chatting in this same room. Not that I want to, mind you. But sometimes I can't help it. I feel like I know them. They're talking about the Speed Racer spoof done on Dexter's Laboratory. Also about the "racy" Speed Racer techno remix. Also talking about "gaming." It's a conversation I could jump into and maybe even be welcome. Just writing seems safer.

Profile: Something about certain gamers. A dialect -- a futile blend of Old English, comedy and over-articulation delivered seemingly as soliloquy in the midst of conversation. I've seen it so many times and in so many places, but I don't know where it comes from.

Oh -- now it's getting intense. When I was much younger, people in gaming groups didn't sleep together. They didn't sleep with anyone. Older now however, intra-group politics rival that of the close-knit lesbian community. Everyone has slept with someone else, and not everyone is happy about it. I'm hearing more here than I want to know.

I've met my best friends gaming. Sadly, some of the most odd as well. One person seemed convinced he was a "giant alien space robot" in the body of a human. Really. He was taking electronics classes so that he might one day build a spaceship to get back home. But the truly disturbing thing of it all was his lack of talent for academia. (--Good luck G...)

Shack runs a wicked game of Paranoia, by the way. "Happiness is mandatory!" But I don't supposed we'll ever play again. I miss gaming. With the right people, it's loads of fun. Maybe even like I imagine drama class might have been if I hadnt' been living in turtle's shell years ago and actually signed up for such a thing. Regret. Childhood.

"Sadnesses display themselves in corners, in rooms as empty as this field."
Dreaming Horse -- Silvia Curbelo.

So about Austin -- dating has occurred! Twice even! The first time was a couple weeks ago on Wednesday. We saw Italian for Beginners. It was light, funny and romantic -- a perfect film to see on a first date and a good omen I hope. The second time was just a couple of days ago on Tuesday, He picked me up for a rather last-minute dinner which also went very well.

On both dates, we went out for coffee and talked the evening away. Tuesday night, we actually ended up at the Double Meat -- someplace I had vowed never to take a guy date again. It's definitely a gay-orientated coffee shop; my idea a couple years ago was that if I could take a guy there without them feeling weird-ed out, they were datable. I got to try that theory once and haven't gone out with another guy since. When Austin suggested it, I was pleasantly surprised.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be okay with my gender history. I've no choice but to worry and worry about that now. Things are moving slowly, but positively. He's a lot like Riley on Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- normal. Healthy. He seems like the type comfortable enough with his distinct manliness that he could survive my coming out. Eros was like that -- bless his hunky soul.

But I find that I don't even want to mention it. And it's not that I've ever wanted to mention it -- but that I've felt obligated and usually have, if I thought there was a future. I'm so sick of it all though. I could have fun being weird if I was only normal. But I'm weird, and I what I desperately want to be normal instead. Could I get away with not telling him? Should I get away with it? Maybe my strategy has been wrong. Maybe I should just develop a strong relationship first and tell later -- that way there's a reason try to work through it instead of freaking out and leaving.

Heh. I imagine many men reading this with twisting guts. They're thinking, "No!!!"

-- Thhhrbt! --

It occurs to me in a moment of cynical lucidity that anyone who can't deal deserves the shock anyway. Fuckers. Society seems to have this talk show mentality that transsexuals are playing a joke. That they're not real. (Although, most the ones on talk shows probably aren't.) That they're pretending to be something they're not -- and out to trick as many people as possible.

Well… it's true. Yeah, that's right. I was sitting around one lazy childhood Sunday summer afternoon -- you know the one. There was nothing to do and I was bored out of my mind. And that's when it hit me.

"Hey! Why not ruin my life? Why not alienate all my family and all my friends? That'd be a hoot! It would be kinda fun to have people gawk at me everywhere I go. Maybe I could even get beat up a couple times. (This is sounding better and better!) Holding down a job would be an interesting challenge. And as for dating? Well, I'm not dating now, so never mind that. And I didn't really want children -- little brats. The reassignment surgery probably wouldn't be THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO ENDURE. Nopers. It'd be lots of fun. And when I wake up in the recovery room, I could ask the nurse something witty like, "How did my knee surgery go?" Of course, twenty grand in cash would also make a great down payment on a house, but who needs it? …So that settles it. I'm going to have a sex change! Hey Mooooooooom!"

God, that paragraph sounds weird. That's really the hard part about all this. It's over. I'm done. Aside from some glitches here and there, it's behind me. At least, I want it to be. But I still have to worry about it. A few months ago, I had to do a security clearance for work because of a contract we were getting. <pop!> There's the worry again. I had a friend with this same "problem" and who has top secret security clearance. Everything's out in the open and fine. So I wasn't worried about that. But would my manger read the report? If he, did would he care? Would he tell my team lead? How far could it leak? Technically, it's a big no-no if my private information goes anywhere it isn't supposed to. But that's a small comfort.

Nothing has happened. I cleared, and as far as I know my personal information tucked safe away in some confidential file. But what about Austin? <more worry> Will he bolt? If he doesn't, will he tell anyone? Probably he needs someone to talk to about it. And if we break up, does it become public knowledge. And what about long-term relationship stuff? I can't have kids. And in the swampy state of Florida, I can't adopt either.

Things would be much easier if I were just out. I would know that my friends were my friends. There's a significant chance that a bunch people actually do know -- although when I've confided in people thus far, everyone has been surprised. Yes, it would be much easier to be out, and it's something I've really considered. But I have enough labels. And as hard as it is, I want what little bit of normal I can get. The worrying sucks though.

And that's just way more than I wanted to write about that particular issue in my log. Journaling is like dreaming sometimes -- finding out what is really on your mind.

So Austin and I are going out with some of his friends Friday night to see Star Wars. I'm not expecting much from the movie, but I'm excited about the date. And we're going to have dinner somewhere, before the movie -- which will also be nice. Date number three, and probably the last for a while. He's going home for a couple weeks and then to Tennessee for a summer internship. So much for scoring some more time now that classes are over.

I've decided that I'm going to take my own road trip. Finally. Get a bit of fresh air, as it were -- besides, my fortune cookie told me to. It's a bit of an experiment to see how I can work on the road. Theoretically it's possible, but is it practical? And of course, if end up having to fly somewhere during my trip I'll be parking my car at the nearest airport long-term parking garage. That would be odd. So I actually have to take some outfits for work and make sure that I'm not over packed -- in case I need to get on a plane. So many weird contingencies that are popping into my mind.

Not that I'm going very far mind you -- just a quick trip to see Kerrie and Beth in North Carolina. I'd be able to get home easy enough -- a do-able 13 hours or so drive. Shack and I were also talking about me coming to visit him in St. Louis, although I'm not sure if that will actually happen now. The need to be dialed into work for 9 hours a day wouldn't help his job searching. I could get a hotel room for a week, perhaps, but I'm trying to save what money and that would be so expensive.

Maybe I'll change my mind at the last minute, if I figure something else out. If everything goes super well, I may just drive out to see Jess in Salt Lake. Since she has a cable modem, that will make visiting much easier, though I would still have to endure the costs of hotel rooms along the way.

What I really need is two-way satellite Internet access.

Me <-- Geek.

And now it's so very late. Scream'n Bean was more an indulgence in conversation than writing. If I stay up another 30 minutes, I'll have met my goal for waking up at five. As for other notes? These last couple weeks have been filled with regret and depression over lost friends, lovers, lacking for friends and various confusions. There has been misc. contemplations, new ideas and inspirations somewhat smothered by false starts.

Some dating aside -- I'm definitely in a funk. The not-so-good kind.