(I'm still experimenting with the format for my Daily Logs. Please feel free to send me your ideas!)

April 1, 2002
Monday

Last night I talked to Gomez (a friend from work) on the phone. He told me that he has a very rare ailment -- a tumor growing around his spinal cord. We talked for a long time about it and some of my recent experiences in the hospital since I hasn't been there since childhood.

I would write much more here, but it is April 7th as I write this, and I'm very, very late for bed. He went into surgery this morning at 5am. Later in the day I talked with his wife who advised that everything went well. They think they got everything, he can wiggle his toes, and he would make a speedy recovery!

I'm much relieved. It's interesting to note that I prayed quite a bit for him. It's a dangerous foray back to religion for me. Or can prayer be a tool of spirituality? I have some ideas about this that I need to write later.

April 2, 2002
Tuesday

"If you were bad, you would fuck me right here on the car. If you were really bad, you would carry me upstairs and play EverQuest with me again."

Chaz is back in town. On our lunch break, I went with him to drop off his car at a garage. Then we grabbed some lunch and coffee and had a great time talking -- well past our lunch hour. On the way home, he invited me to dinner. We went. Had a great time. Then for wine. Had a great time. Then back to drop him off.

We hugged before I left to go back to my apartment. He said, "I'm feeling kind of awkward."
"Why?" I asked.
"Should I kiss you?
"Do you want to kiss me?" I asked, while desperately hoping the answer was yes.
"Yes."
"Well, what are you waiting for?"

We dove into each other and made out for hours. He said I was a good kisser. It's the second time someone has mentioned that many people don't know what to do with their tongue and that they liked kissing me. Beware people who are too analytical! Somehow we got back to him not being interested in me. Hello?! Granted, I was horny as hell and really wanted him to kiss me. But, he initiated it.

I drove home, confused, sad and horny. Made a protein shake to ward off a morning hangover and crashed into bed. Alone.

April 3, 2002
Wednesday

You know what? All that crystal-toting, incense burning, new age spiritually, Reiki bullshit isn't worth fuck if you can't live the basics. Like forgiveness? Or like getting over yourself? Chaz? You know?

I mean, the new age thing is great and all. Chaz. And you can proclaim yourself a mystical perfect child of God. Chaz. And say that you want to become some sort of psycho-weird magical creature of power. Chaz. Weirdo. But if you can't get over something that I said or did at a coffee shop over a year ago, Chaz, and that you can't even remember the details of, Chaz, but you're still holding it against me, Chaz, even through the year of friendship that followed it, Chaz, then: fuck you. Chaz.

And what is dorkier? The name I made up for you in this journal or your real name? Hey, look at that! I am mean. Ta da!

Probably, I shouldn't post this until I also post my journal about this. It explains more.

The day sucked. A tight bundle of insecurity has been wrapped around my heart, bleeding my soul and reducing me to a pathetic ball pajamas and hair, lying out the couch; staring at the rain. All day.

Chaz did eventually call however. He explained it all with his mantras of "I don't know." He reminded me about the infamous, and ever nebulous, incident at Comfy Coffee. My cruelty. My cold heart.

It's happened to millions of others. Old hat. But I seldom have it -- closure. That was the cornerstone for me today. I was a sobbing, snotty mess by the end of it, but I got it. Finally.

As it was ending, I asked him how the coffee shop incident could be such a big deal if neither one of us can remember what it was. And I asked him, "Even if it was something TERRIBLE, which is wasn't, doesn't a year of history after that mean anything?"

"I don't know. I guess I just remember the emotion." he said.

No chance. No use. Confusing -- and a little bit weird. "Goodbye Chaz."

"You mean goodbye like 'talk to you later' or goodbye forever?"

"I'm sure we'll end up talking at some point in the future since we work at the same place, but I need to start getting closure."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." He started babbling on about also never getting closure, and then about how he usually just feels like he missed a page.

I interrupted him. "Goodbye." I paused and then hung up the phone.

Oh, and during our conversation, I did a Willow. I didn't mean to of course. But when it happened I almost stopped sobbing and said, "Hey, Willow!" --My mind is a funny place.

"You keep talking about being lonely. You keep wanting to meet people... I mean, hello? Real person here. Interested!" (This makes more sense after you've spent an extensive amount of time with him listening to bewail the fact that people who he doesn't even really know aren't interested in him.)

Anyway, it's not as cute as some things Willow says, ("...and I think I'm kinda gay."); but I could imagine her saying it when it came out. Hmm, let me try again.

"I think I'm kinda straight."

<sigh> Doesn't have the same appeal.

At Scream'n Bean I met a bunch of cool people who cheered me up -- which was awesome. And Steph talked to me at length after she closed. For all the "suck" of Wednesday, it ended rather well.

April 4, 2002
Thursday

It's that time again -- the future mushrooming up here in the present. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about the future. I can't wait until I can rent an apartment in outer space. But since that day is not today, I can't help but to feel Thursday has come all too soon.

This morning I talked to my team lead about Chaz and life -- though I didn't mention any names. Earlier in my journal I mentioned that I didn't have any real friends at work -- though I really loved the people I'm around. That may have been slightly incorrect however.   :)

Aside from that, there was a long conference call to fix an issue which apparently has been going on for weeks. At one point I suggested that it might be a database issue. I threw out some more specific ideas, but wanted to get a DBA on the phone. Nobody else thought it could be a database issue, but guess what it turned out to be? Hehe. It was a good day at work. Tomorrow though, someone will ask me a question and I'll have absolutely no idea. No idea at all.

Today I was supposed to go to a yoga class with Steph, from the Scream'n Bean. I was so tired from the call though that I crashed into bed instead. How am I supposed to meet people went I can't bring myself to participate in group activities? We were supposed to go...

I'm writing this from the Bean, so I did make it out of the apartment eventually -- if not to Yoga. Steph is here and guess what? She didn't make it either. Maybe next week. Even if I don't meet anyone, it's going to be important to maintaining and improving my health.

The big reason I came here tonight though was that I was supposed to meet Jen for chess. And she's not here. It's all good, though -- I'm in a solo mood tonight.

April 5, 2002
Friday

This has been a fantastic evening. Moving? Me? Move where? Why?

Friday is women's night at the Double Meat Palace. Well, not really; but it is overrun with people -- and not just men like usual. Upstairs was packed -- "standing room only" packed. I stood on the stairs for a few moments trying to decide if there was any hope, and had just decided to go back downstairs when one of the woman I met a couple weeks ago smiled and waved for me to come up. She asked a couple people to scooch over and I wiggled onto the couch.

The details of this might not be interesting, except for the fact that I can be so shy. When I was growing up, it was hard for me to work up the courage to talk to other kids at the bus stop. Squishing myself onto a couch with four other women whom I don't know is quite an accomplishment for me.

Going to places where I suspect I might meet people is also excruciatingly hard without a friend along. I worry that it might seem like I'm just there to cruise people. If I were cruising at a dance club for sex, that might be different. People actually do that. But people don't hang out in the grocery store, hoping to score.

Who knows? Maybe I'm just making it all up as I go along. Regardless though, it's difficult for me. If most of my friends were married and straight, it would be easier to bring someone to talk with. Sadly though, that isn't the case.

All of that being said, everyone I've been meeting has been extraordinarily nice: friendly, inviting and open. One woman, Jodi, is studying a new form of energy therapy called EM--something; EMT maybe. Everyone was eager for a mini session and loved it. She offered it to me as well, and I loved it too.

My overall impression was that it made me feel happy afterwards. I felt more energetic and peaceful, but the overall experience was one of happiness. She also gave me an amazing compliment. She said that I had very nice energy and asked if I had considered doing any healing work. Wowie!

One of the women is also in the orchestra. I'm not sure what instrument she plays (it's been too long since I've been to a symphony). She seems to show up a bit later -- after the performace is over. I haven't had a chance to talk with her, but it makes me feel just a bit closer to music seeing her there. And the Double Meat Palace also has a piano -- I've been dying to play it, but haven't worked up the courage or really had an opportunity yet.

I'm at the Scream'n Bean now, and the Ambient/Abstract band just finished their last set. They were on tonight. It was while I was listening to them that I realized things are really getting better here. Columbus didn't have coffee shops like these. Boulder was neat, but the live coffee-shop music I heard the couple nights I was there was terrible. "My girlfriend left me. She's a bitch and I hate her. I'm a tear drop in a sea of pain. Lala la." Whatever.

"So what" if Florida has a blood-sucking Governor? "So what" if our politics and laws are homophobic and evil. Someone has to stay and change things. And my personal fears and insecurities will follow me everywhere.

Speaking of things to improve, I did a little self observation tonight. I don't ask enough questions about other people. I don't compliment them enough. My conversations tend to be one-sided -- telling people about me. It's not a selfish motivation though. Even though I love it when people ask questions about me, I feel like I'm intruding into their life if I ask questions. I feel like I'm being too nosey if they don't volunteer the information.

The whole gender thing screwed me up pretty bad. (Where is that journal entry about insecurity?) For several years, until things started to improve for me, I had to deal with a lot of shit. I had tons of people telling me I was bad, wrong, screwed-up, laughing at me and shunning me. Today I don't experience that any more. But I still carry a lot of it around. In the back of my mind is a little voice saying, "If they knew, they would hate me. If they knew, they wouldn't be talking to me. They'd be afraid, or disgusted."

Obviously that's not true of everyone. But it certainly is true of a lot. Of enough, anyway. And it's easy enough to say "fuck them." But when those people are hiring you, working with you, teaching you or otherwise have power over you, it's not so easy. The amazing thing is how much appearance matters. They've done studies in psychology classes where students have to dress up with deformities and try to talk to people in the street and then again well dressed -- always a big difference.

Enough about that. The other nice thing about the Double Meat tonight was that everyone was older. I mentioned college being "a long time ago," and caught myself too late. (I've made a resolution not to talk like that.) But the two women I was talking with, also being older, just acknowledged it as a truth they shared. It was a bond, a commonality.

I think that a lot of the gay women here are in spirituality groups and healing groups. I'm going to start going to some of them. And not because I would just like to start meeting new people. After my mini EM(?) experience tonight, I realized that it would do me a lot of good. I really enjoyed it.

Oh and, "I think I'm kinda gay."

April 6, 2002
Saturday

Mom came over and we had a great day today. We had brunch at a great little French place and then saw Champions on Ice. For dinner we went to one of my favorite restaurants, came home and watched some of the music performances I have recorded on the Tivo, and then crashed.

Some of our favorite skaters weren't there, but there performance was great. While I was watching, I thought about the similarities to piano performance. One of the difficulties Louis has been trying to help me overcome is my response to memory slips and wrong notes. How much harder it is for skaters! If I play a minor mistake, few may notice (even though I tend to have a breakdown). But if a skater missed their landing, everyone feels it.

One woman, toward the end of the show, had the entire audience captivated. In mid-performance she missed a landing and the entire audience moaned. If I played a wrong note and my audience moaned, I think I would die. I would just turn into a pile of dust right there on the bench.

Then again, listeners don't applaud a pianist after ever difficulty. Comparing the two may be like apples and oranges, but performance is common denominator to everyone appearing before an audience.

Preparation is another similarity. What an experience to work an entire life toward the goal of a perfect performance! There is preparation -- like I might prepare for recital -- but then there is the lifelong preparation of a professional. Discipline, focus, dedication and passion.

There is more to those things too than just the Olympics or a Carnegie Hall performance. Einstein thought for over decade about what would happen if an observer could ride a beam of light. If you were that observer and had a mirror, would you see your reflection? Those contemplations lead him toward the formulation of his theory of relativity.

And this in turn reminds me about the importance of role models. I've been meaning to read more biographies. To learn more from people. To be inspired by them. To emulate them. To grow with them.

April 7, 2002
Sunday

Today's entry is pretty easy. I spent most of the day asleep. Mom left in the morning after we had some breakfast at Einstein's. I bought tickets for Champion's on Ice when it comes back into town and then went back to sleep.

After I woke up later today, I did some cleaning on the computer, fixed all the tags that I've been missing on the site and then came here to the shop to catch up on some writing.

Interesting note is that there is a guy who has just started coming here. He's working on his PhD, likes music, and knows the same authors I do, is into martial arts (spirituality?) and is cute. It's too bad that I've decided I'm gay again. Or have I?

Of course, my timing is terrible as always. I was acting up a little bit while talking to Amy and Steph after Amy mentioned that I should continue to be very picky. I replied that I was tired of being picky and the put my hands up in the air, twirled around and said to anyone, "Who wants to go home with me?" That was the exact moment that this new guy came out of one of the room. We made eye contact briefly and I tried not to spontaneous combust.

Mathew was also there and said that he would go home with me. More specifically though, it turns out he wanted me to teach him out to play Everquest. The temptation!

April 8, 2002
Monday

Nothing happened today. I worked. I went to bed early. During the day I had a workout with my trainer and we started doing some intense stretching exercises which I'm totally grooving on. I want to be able to do a split again!

April 9, 2002
Tuesday

At the Scream'n Bean I played some chess with Jen and found out that she is dating two people at the same time. They each know about the other, so it's out in the open even if the two women aren't comfortable with it. She has been given an ultimatum to choose and a couple weeks to make up her mind.

It was an interesting conversation --I love talking about poly relationships. It just seems like a great idea, even if terribly hard to pull off.

April 10, 2002
Wednesday

A perfectly innocent day. Except that during the session with my personal trainer, I told him to take my pants off.

It was an accident! I swear! I didn't mean to say it! We were in the massage room getting ready to do some stretches. I've been harping on him to help me with flexibility training. So, we go into the massage room, I lay down on the table and he puts me through painful contortions.

When we did this the first time though, he actually took my shoes off for me. I didn't know that I should have taken them off when I laid down and so he did it for me. It felt great. So, I wanted him to do it again. Perfectly normal; perfectly natural. But instead of saying, "Hey, take off my shoes," I said, "Take off my pants."

What the hell was I thinking?! He burst out laughing and yelled out, "Hey! Someone close the door!"

It was very funny and embarrassing. But, we joke through all our sessions. Earlier, he called to say that he was coming from "Ablon" and would be a bit late. I asked him what that was and more specifically if was a support group or something. Apparently it is a place, though I pointed out it sounded like a group for recovering foot fetishes.

That is actually what I was thinking about at the time, and somehow it came out a very different way. It certainly added a new dimension to the rest of the exercises!