Tuesday, December 4, 2001
Woke up this morning a little tired and decided to watch the tap dancing scene from the Buffy musical. That is getting added to my list of things not to do. I ended up watching the entire episode again. It also caused me to do more fake modern and tap dancing during the show. I'm sure the woman who lives down stairs hates me. But I try to be very quiet! Totally "soft-shoe." I think that's what the villain called it.

I was less stealthy tapping down the stairs of the apartment when I went out for groceries. Quite un-rhythmic too. The whole thing would have been tolerable in the private sense of the word until I tripped, dropping my cell phone and journal, and stumbling down the last few steps. It caused someone to open their door, I assume to see if I was okay. Mercifully, I didn't see them. I hope they didn't see me.

Indecisiveness won a whole new victory on the way to the health food store. I wanted to pick up some prepared foods at a place that turned out to be much further than I thought; and traffic was bad. So halfway there, I turned around and headed to the other side of town. Back to my favorite haunt; the return trip would be better. On the way to the store though, I changed my mind again and went to a smaller place along the way that I've not been to in years.

Inside someone just inside the door gave me a huge, "Hi!" It was one of those "we know each other" greetings. So, I gave him a big "hi" right back. Then I stood there for a couple seconds trying to imagine where we knew each other. In that moment I thought he would jump in and tell me the answer. But, it turns out that we don't know each other at all, and he is just an extra-friendly guy.

Of course, we then chatted for a few more moments and he showed me around the store for the things I was looking for in particular. During the tour, it came up that we both like sushi. It's a funny thing about this pen name I've chosen. Whenever someone tells me they love "sushi," I get simultaneous pangs of horror, flattery, and sudden realization all in the same moment. I can only imagine my facial expression when I respond, "Me too."

At the counter, he asked me my number and if I wanted to go out for dinner tomorrow. My first instinct was to politely come up with an excuse. He's not exactly my type, but my lonely-self vetoed any objections.

The work out session today was intense, as it has been. When I got home, I was so tired that I crashed on the couch and slept a good part of the day away. But as usual, I woke after the sun went down, grabbed some dinner, and ventured out to the coffee shop world.

Oh, and I moved my bed over by the window where
my dresser was. It really opens up the bedroom!

Wednesday, December 5, 2001
What a day.

The first thing today was the big hair appointment, of course. It wasn't until 11:30, but the day couldn't start until then. Or at least, I couldn't start until then. Maybe the only thing that kept me from going completely bonkers is the fact I've let my hair get so terrible. It hasn't been cut in about a year. Dead ends. Uneven bangs. All that.

The salon was very trendy. In fact, I had driven past it a couple weeks prior thinking I would make an appointment there if I hadn't hired my image consultant. But, I ended up there anyway. There was good music inside, nice people, and free water! Well, to be fair, they offered me several things but all I wanted was water.

Everyone there was beautiful -- in the exterior, societal expectation sense. It really put the recent and spontaneous obsession with my image into perspective. What happened was that I was sitting (just "so") to wait, reading Jane Eyre, wearing my new "stylish-yet-affordable" boots, drinking my bottled water, and very excited about getting a new style. At the same time, another woman sat down next to me to also wait.

She was stunning. Definitely not my type, if that is what you are thinking. But, who could pursue a modeling career, etc. easily enough. Maybe she was. The thing that occurred to me was that, if you are constantly worried whether the person next to you is prettier, it's probably because they are. We strive to become the images on television and in magazines. Some of it is science -- the Golden Mean. Some of it is air brushing and computer graphics. Some of it is style and trends.
(http://tlc.discovery.com/convergence/humanface/articles/mask.html )
(http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/humanface/beauty_golden_mean.shtml)

If our self worth is based on these things, we are either lucky or doomed. But real self worth and inner strength comes from other sources. "I'm an accomplished artist." "I'm doing good science." "I've been very successful in business." "I'm a good and loving parent." "I help lots of people doing community service."

Things like that are real. But the plot twist is that if we have this personal strength or inner beauty as some call it, it actually becomes external beauty and perceivable confidence. And with this transformation, we can actually set trends based on our individual external appearance. Of course, starring in a big budget movies helps… And talk shows…

Anyway, some time after this revelation I got to meet my new stylist for the first time. Very yummy. Of course, I really hoped that he has the "I'm an accomplished artist" point of inner strength. He was such a nice guy too. We talked a style and some how I wasn't afraid in the least. That has never happened to me at a salon before. He even told me he wants me to let my bangs grow out. And somehow I agreed. Strange!

The style looks great. And I am very happy with it.

I stopped for a quick lunch before my appointment with the image consultant. I got a phone call from a friend who I met at work a couple years ago. A couple weeks ago, I left a voicemail to see if it wanted to get together for lunch; I had been in Perl class and close to his office. He called to apologize for not getting back to me and said he had been in the hospital for two weeks!

It turns out that he has a rare blood problem which stems from an auto-immune disorder. And while he was in the hospital, he had kidney failure. Apparently, his doctors have been stumped and little help. But, on the phone he sounded in good spirits and that he was feeling better and could have visitors.

I kept the appointment and then went straight to the hospital. My timing wasn't very good. When I got there, he and his wife were talking with a new doctor who had been assigned to the case. I actually walked in, thinking that he was also family. Ooops. The doctor actually came out where I was waiting after he finished his meeting and told me so that I could go in. He seemed like a really great guy. Two for two today!

It turns out that he was even better than I thought. Dale and his wife are under the impression that this doctor will actually make all the difference. They felt that he cared, knew what he was talking about, and would do whatever it took to make him better. It must have gone exceptionally well, because they were both in great spirits. Needless to say, I was relieved to see it.

We visited for a while before hospital-stuff called. I offered to help them in anyway they needed. I hope they take me up on it. Being in the hospital is such a horrible experience. Friends are the only thing that have ever made it bearable for me.

I had called Ramon early to reschedule our sushi-date until later. He still hadn't eaten and was starved. During our dinner, it came out that he thought I was flirting with him at the health food store yesterday. Oops, again. But dinner was great, and we had fun talking.

Thursday, December 6, 2001
Post Salon Visit - Day One. "This is the easiest blow dry in the whole world." Okay great; I believed. I had faith. I paid attention and I'm doing the same thing. Why doesn't my hair look the same? This always happens. Even worse, I've had to cancel my workout session today. Now that I have layers, I can't pull my hair back. I have no idea what to do now.

Not to be defeated, I went on a holy quest for hair products. I got Velcro rollers. I got hot rollers. I bought two different sized round brushes in case one worked better than the other. I bought pins and clips. I bought a 1 ½" curling iron. I bought a diffuser for the blow drier. I bought new Aveda hair products. I bought some fitness magazines to see how people are wearing their layered hair when they exercise.

I should have saved my money. Although, I really like the Aveda stuff. But the fitness magazines? Hello?! Really, I just can't afford to have a trainer and my hair stylist on hand while I'm working out. One day, it's going to be fashionable to publish magazines where the pictures actually look like real people.

Most of today has been spent obsessing.

Friday, December 7, 2001
Cleaning day. Two hours in the bathroom alone.

I've been looking for a vapor cleaner ever since I've seen a commercial for them on TV. Super hot steam + pressure = sparkly clean with no chemicals. I had given up trying to find one until I started cleaning the bathroom. Then I changed my mind again. Let's just say I really needed one. Ick.

Instead of driving from store to store, I did some calling until I actually found a place that carries them. Eighty nine dollars later, I'm walking out of a vacuum store with the Eureka Hot Shot 350A and feeling pretty excited. Now I can throw away all my chemicals! Earth friendly cleaning is here! Hooray!

"Hmm. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. This doesn't seem to be working." Then later, "Hmm. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. This still doesn't seem to be working. Steam is coming out, but…"

It actually got some places clean in the apartment that have been bugging me. But only after a lot of work. Isn't advertising the best. I hate advertisements. It would be easier to tolerate if they weren't lies. Shouldn't we have laws against that? Oh yea - corrupt government. Big business. Need campaign finance reform. Etc.

That reminds me that I need to choose some place to start volunteering. I'm sure there isn't a big campaign finance reform movement in Florida. Well, maybe the greens. I might do something in the environment. There is just so much to do in ever sector. It makes me depressed and filled with hopelessness to thinking about it.

Finished the night off with a trip to a coffee shop. A bunch of people got together and we played Boggle. I miss playing games like that with friends.

Saturday, December 8, 2001
I went to visit Mom today. She really liked my hair. She also let me have a couple of her hats… to wear… you know… if I wanted them… you know… to wear…

Actually, that was just her answer to my workout dilemma. There was really nothing else to do with my layers that looked good and would keep them from flopping around. <sigh> I don't think I look very good in hats, especially without bangs. But, I can't wear the same hair style forever. Can I?

Today was our Christmas shopping day. We found a beautiful necklace that she ended up buying as my present. The sales on jewelry right now are amazing. This particular store sold us the piece at about 65% off -- one of those special single day sales, I guess. I can't wait to wear it out to a show.

I wish we had the money to take advantage of all the discounts. Because if we don't spend money, we're not patriotic -- right? Ninety nine percent of the population must keep spending their hard earned dollars so that less than one percent of the population can keep living in luxury. Hmm. That somehow seems in contrast to the "Live simply so that others may simply live" idea. I hope whoever coined that phrase doesn't get arrested for terrorism. God help them if they aren't American and end up in a military tribunal. Anyone up for some apple pie?

Speaking of apple pie, we drove to Mount Dora to do some more shopping. Talk about white bread! Though, the town was lovely. Very quaint. Most of the stores were closed when we got there. But we had fun walking around looking at the Christmas lights and had a really nice dinner. Well, until I turned everything upside down with my football joke.

I really hate football. The football team always took money away from the music department in high school. They got new equipment and uniforms, we got old instruments. Plus the people on the football team were real jerks and it's really a violent sport anyway. So, the waiter was talking football with the big table next to us. Then he brought it up with mom and I. Something about not liking the Gators, or liking them -- I don't remember. So I mentioned that I didn't like any Florida team since my alma mater is OSU. (Although I don't like them either. I waited tables in college and worked several banquets where the coaches talked about football with middle ages white business men. Some sort of money raising thing. "Did you know that President Clinton was even blamed for the flooding of the Mississippi river? It seems he took all the dykes to Washington." Very inspiring.)

Anyway, this waiter then goes on to tell me that his Alma Mater is Michigan. Is this casual conversation? I hate football, but… It seemed like a good opportunity to relate the story of a little Mexican place across High St. where I used to eat all the time. Two dollar veggie quesadillas. Very yummy. Anyway, I told him that in this restaurant they had the words "Muck Fichigan" written in the wall.
      "What?"
      "Muck Fichigan. They had it written on the wall."
<confused guttural sound>

He came back and made some small talk about OSU. Very friendly. I gave him a big tip. But Mom said the expression on the people sitting next to us was one of pure horror. It was nice quiet restaurant and they had gotten all dressed up. Hmph; maybe I really am evil. Although, it's hard for me to live in a society that craves so much violence and not poke fun at it every once in a while…

Sunday, December 9, 2001
Mom said she had a good time shopping yesterday. She doesn't have anyone to do that with now. I really wish I could convince her to move out of Florida. I'm still giving a lot of thought to leaving again, but she's in her sixties now. I owe so much to her. Though I've plenty of gripes as well. But I hate the idea of only seeing her for a holiday or two until she gets old enough that I have to come back to take care of her and we don't get any quality time together.

I love playing with Pumpkin when I
go home! I've been thinking about getting a Pomeranian, too.

What a mess. That's a whole journal entry. Or two. Or three. We went to the flea market before I drove home. Holy Shit. It's good to do that sort of thing every now and again to keep life in perspective. We passed a table where little Angel dolls and figures were on display. A man was there with his wife, looking. He picked up one and said, "Hey honey, here's a black Angel. You want a black Angel honey?" <laughing>

I'm sure there is a joke there somewhere. But until I figure it out, I'm going to continue to feel offended.

Any way, I got home in time for another workout with my trainer. I'm already starting to feel more healthy. But on these days that I work out, I'm completely wiped. After I got home, I slept for hours. I hope my constitution continues to improve.

It is amazing how hard my trainer makes me work. If I was exercising on my own, I would never push myself that hard. I would be afraid. Not that I think we're being unsafe -- just your usual complete muscle exhaustion, etc.

Shack brought up a good point tonight. It isn't clear how my body will respond to working out like this. I actually enjoy watching men and women that are exceptionally built. But I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be flattering on me.

My goals are actually to pursue Yoga and Tai Chi fully. And not crumple during those workouts. This training is getting me back into shape for that. There is an indoor climbing gym in town too, which I'd like to be able to play in every now and again. So I'm not planning on keeping up with the weight training. Yet, part of my feels I should maintain a little. Well even if I do, it won't be this intense. I can't afford to have a trainer forever.

When I woke up, I spent a couple hours talking with Shack on the phone and then realized that it was too late to go to the coffee shop. I also realized that I hadn't practiced piano all week. And that, somehow, the apartment is still messy. I'm behind on my dilation. Somehow I still seem to believe, deep down, that you can catch up on daily tasks. I think that I can put off little things until later and catch them all up at one time. But I can't.

Some things in life have to been a little each day. Working out is a great example. One monster workout every month won't do anything but kill you. Piano practice is another example. Cleaning is a good mundane example. And yet, I put things off still.

The realization is depressing enough that it makes me want to lay down and take a nap…

Monday, December 10, 2001
Have I mentioned that I have the greatest piano teacher in the world? Even though I haven't practiced all week, he still finds things that we can work on. And he never gets mad at me. Although, he has inflicted the usual admonishments which I deserve. But instead of criticizing, he inspires. Each lesson, I walk away with new energy and resolution. And we have the greatest conversations, too.

Besides the lesson, it has been a pretty worthless day. I woke up around 10:30, did some writing, got lunch, came home and fell asleep. When I work up, I did some more writing and basic apartment stuff before it was time to go to the lesson. I caught up on some TV while eating dinner when I got home that makes it now. How boring is that?

Tomorrow will be much more busy.

Today's pet peeve -- Before and after pictures.

"This is Sarah before: with no makeup, overweight, chronically depressed, recently homeless, addicted to crack, and standing in an ant pile.

The is Sarah after: with profession makeup, a wig, soft lighting, a diet, breast implants, and holding a big wad of money.

Look what our abdominal exercises can do for YOU!"